Below is a copy of a blog I wrote on my first Friendster account in 2006, which I have long since deleted ( have created a 2nd account recently). I have always wanted to transfer all my blogs here kasi nakakalat, and I want this site to be my ONLY online journal. Anyway, as I was reading it, it's been 3 years now and everything still holds true. People have married themselves off except a handful of friends, ok, si Frencel na lng, si Francis, si Sisa, Weng and me. Sila na lng out of my close circle of friends. I turned 28 in May, I wrote this blog when I was 25. Three years and I'm still single. Happily? I'm not even sure myself. Sometimes yes, other times ok lng. Everything's become so confusing. I mean I'm not ready to settle down yet, not emotionally, mentally, and most of all financially. But there's this pressure hanging over my head, people I know are forcing ideas into my head na kelangan I have to think about settling down na, and i think it's UNFAIR. I'm not sure how long I can fend them off but I sure as hell wish if I ever go down that road, it's because I came across the right person, not because it's the right time or that it's time na...
getting old, and how i don't like it one bit 08/28/06
In the middle of watching a movie last night ( 28 Days Later, my 3rd time, nothing to do and i like the movie ), it just occured to me that I am really getting old, not a happy thought yes. I am only 25 yrs old but I'm starting to feel really ancient, in everything: in my views, in my tastes, in my activities. I have always been a bit of an old hag, a bit traditional. I consider myself an old soul, I like old things, old music, the Old World. I revel in stories about knights, jousting, the haunt of the witches.. heck! I even wished i was born during the 17th century. like somehow, something went wrong that resulted in me being born during the 80s instead. But lately, I've been feeling a different kind of deja vu, the kind thats different from that feeling you get when you see something you're sure you've seen before but cannot place where and when. You remember how you regarded your aunts when you were younger, like they were too 80s? Hell, ive been having that feeling again, and the bad news is, its no longer my aunts but me! I am seeing myself in their shoes. And so I was telling a friend when we were out in the mall one day.. " Aren't you feeling like you're too old for a lot of things? This must have been how it was for our aunts. I am way so sure we are looking like how our aunts looked in our eyes a decade ago, at least to today's youngsters. Sure, the puberty phase was awkward, but this is notches more awkward, its an uncomfortable transition, and to what, i dont know. We wanted to look youthful, but we dare not swath ourselves with the latest trends these young people have been wearing. Somehow, it isn't right. Im sure id feel ridiculous, the outrageous belts, the weird length of pants, and even weirder cuts and color and what-have-yous in blouses. And when teens starts to call me "Nang" or "Ate", I automatically think " God! Is it that obvious?" I sure as hell look every year of my age, and it isnt nice at all. I couldnt help but think I should have used a facial moisturizer the day I turned 10, and skin moisturizer.. and sun block, and hair sun block.. It is true then, what they say, prevention is better than cure. ( I should remind myself to tell my future kids that someday ). It is almost tempting to buy those Anew products, or Pond's Early Skin Defense or something. It even makes me pause, seeing that Nivea Age-Defying product ad on TV. But what really makes me panicky, is when people starts to marry around me, one by one... And when conversations of interests becomes whoever their pedia is, or gyne, domestic trouble, cure for kids illnesses etc.. instead of the latest goss on Hilary Duff, or Mischa Barton, or that guy in Prison Break.. More and more often I had to excuse myself from these conversations.. I cannot relate anymore. I am sure this is how it would feel when Im 60, and then people around me starts dying. Hopefully conversations then wouldnt turn to memorial plans, or plot reservation, or if whether they'd prefer to be under or above the ground, or to have an epitaph on their tombstones ( perhaps I should start scouting around for fave sayings or ponder on how i should like to be remembered ), or deciding if they'd go for cremation or traditional burial. That would surely speed up my jourvey to the grave. But, really, when people around me starts to settle down, I feel a sense of panic, like time is running out. Im thinking I have so much to do yet, so much to accomplish. I have not even made a single contribution in this world YET. I hate to think how I'd feel when im 29, or 30, or.. Pls dont take me wrong, i am not afraid of aging per se, of getting wrinkles, of senility.. you know what they say, growing backward. Its just that i feel like there is so little time left. This is when you start to think life is borrowed, and so whatever time we have left, we need to MOVE IT! no time for procrastination now, ive procrastinated enough during my early and late teen years. And so now I also hate Christmas, or New Year, coz it reminds me that another leaf will fall from my Tree of Life. And it doesnt help that all these stress that the working people are under, is like a hand yanking at our TREES, making leaves fall in droves.. Ah.. but aging is like having a time bomb over our heads, and its just a matter of time before it stops ticking. Man, Im not aging gracefully, and i hate it.
