another loony rambling =)

I've got a serious problem:


"I am irrevocably, unconditionally in-love with Edward Cullen".


And the worst part is, he just managed to bring my expectations of the male partner to the level
that is not possible for a mere mortal to reach. And what does that tell me? One thing. I am
DEFINITELY going to end up a spinster now. UUgghh! As if I wasn't trudging on that lane
enough already. I am 27 years old, single, and doesn't have a single clue as to what exactly
it is I am looking for. Although, I have always been aware of what it is I am NOT looking for.
SO at least that narrows it down a bit. I've had a hard enough time appreciating the other male
gender. To illuminate on this pathetic issue some more, let me break it down to these few salient
points (mostly for my own benefit).

1. Since day 1 (or primary school for that matter), I've been surrounded by males who has
either one or all of these qualities (good look, wealth, some small town fame, intelligence). Surrounded which means we are either taking the same classes or is going to the same school. This went on til college. The downside to this was my discovery that a lot also turned out to be either one, or again all of these:

a) weird b) jerk c) a student activist d) gay e) and the saddest of 'em all, TAKEN.


2. I--don't--date, like at all, like NEVER. One thing about me which is good, but other times
not, is that you can't make me do something that I don't want to. Or be at a place I don't wanna
be at. Or be with someone I don't wanna be with. I avoid awkward things like a plague. And
dating is one of that. I've only been in one once and I swear, "disaster" isn't even the worst
synonym that would describe what transpired. Hence, if I don't know the guy or if he doesn't
make my heart the least bit curious, there's not a chance that I'm going out with him. I know
some would consider it just being plain snobbish but I'd rather be labeled such by people who doesn't really matter in my life than do something I would very much rather not. I just don't see the point in subjecting myself to the torture of being uncomfortable in the company of someone I'm not being in sync with. And honestly, I think I'm doing them a favor. They don't have to wine and dine me only to be told a few months down the road that "hey pal, i think we're better off as friends, thanks for the LV bags-CL shoes- free movies....". Ok, now I'm sure that images of me sitting in an oldies chair, knitting (or maybe cross-stitching as I don't know whack about knitting), reading, or watching movies of days gone by must be playing in the minds of whoever has so much free time on their hands as to bother reading this lol).
3. But perhaps the most influential of all are these sappy films/novels I've been delving into.
They have almost conditioned my mind to dream of a guy so ideal and whose love so
impossibly real they must exist only in one's dream. A Walk To Remember. A Love Story.
The Notebook. Last Of The Mohicans. A Room With A View, An Affair To Remember,
Great Expectations. I could go on and on. I am also most tickled by love stories
that defies nature. Vampire-human love affairs (Twin Effects), lovers meeting from different
times (Lightning - Koontz, Somewhere In Time, Lake House), among others.


The latest addition to these heart-warping films is Twilight. It brought an altogether different
side to my male ideal. Something that is hard to find even in dreams. Edward Cullen is just so
sensitive, so intense it is almost painful to love him. Pity he'll most likely exist only in the pages
of the books/ film reel though. Maybe the reason why we are so enamored with him is
that he says the things that we ache to hear from our guys, but never does. Edward's
words alone often gives me an OMG- can't-believe-he's-saying-that-it's-just-so-beautiful giddiness, thanks largely to Meyer's almost prosaic manner of writing. An example is when he has to go hunting and he bid his farewell to Bella in these words:
"... Take care of my heart. I left it with you".
Now, this is also exactly the reason why he'll never jump out of Meyer's pages. Now if a
normal human guy would attempt at being poetic in normal everyday conversations, we women will just suspect either or all of these things:

a) he's copying out of mushy novels to cover his cheating/lies
b) he's gay
c) it's just plain 'ewww'

--- To Be Continued.


EDIT 2010: am just wondering since I mentioned that I won't date a guy unless "he makes my heart a bit curious.." and all that hoopla, well, HOW WILL HE KNOW he does?! cos when I like a guy I get soooo shy I can't even look him in the eyes nor be friendly with him or start  a conversation or something. some girls do it left and right, but I can't flirt to save a life! I swear, this is a curse!! Sometimes, I even get self-conscious when I know I'm within his sight. Gosh! I am such a freak! *sigh* i'm gonna be a spinster, no doubt about it now. ^^

my Twilight books!!!

Thank God for good friends!!

After scouring practically ALL National Bookstores, Fullybooked branches, among others in Angeles and Metro Manila by phone, I have given up on finding a complete copy of all the 4 Twilight series books. A friend even ordered online but she wasn't able to get a confirmation yet. I refuse to read the Adobe version and all these notepad copies that have been proliferating at work. I love the smell of paper when I read a new book and it won't hurt my eyes besides. So i have to have the paperback/hardbound copies soon.Then when I logged on to Amazon, i saw that they have it in-stock. So I was thinking it must be available in some other countries. And then it hit me!! A friend is coming back home from Ireland for her wedding. Now when I think of any European country, I think of all these quaint little bookstores that are teeming with really rare finds and a few mainstream stuff as well. I could just picture out the Twilight books displayed in shelves and my hands are itching to reach across my imagination and snatch them. As it turns out, I didn't have to wish for a superpower to do that. I thickened my face and ask my friend if she could be so kind as to look for them for me. Now, I didn't realize that the books are actually quite heavy and the 4th book is in fact looking more like an Encyclopedia than a fiction novel. Had I known, I wouldn'd have had the gall to have her lug it from Dublin all the way to the Philippines. But a real trouper and good friend that she is, she, and my books, landed safely in the country. To cut the story short, I am now a proud owner of the 4 Meyer books. And the bonus is, although it is quite pricey when bought in Ireland, the bookstore was then running a sort of a 3-for-the-price-of-2 sale, so I didn't have to shell out that much. Ah, well, thank God for good friends.. and quaint bookstores. =)

how I'm feeling about LIFE at this very moment...

"... ei! I'm just passing through.".

DisclaimerA: Thank you hhsc/Greg for the awesome pic. More of his pics here. http://www.flickr.com/photos/37313642@N00/580842937/

Twilight.. I am in such a muddle I couldn't come up with a more imaginative title....

People will say I'm crazy when I say that, like Daniel Radcliffe, this obsession over Twilight is starting to annoy me. Oh wait, no, it IS driving me mad. Not the movie per se but all these people who suddenly will forego their nightly fantasies of rockstars & Texas ranchers, Gap models & Wentworth Millers and Piolo Pascuals of this world and trade 'em with..sniff..vampires.
Its not happening here yet as the materials are not available but I can almost see now the walls of girls ages 6 to 60 to be covered with, what else.. sniff... vampires.

No thanks to Stephenie Meyer. The gothic romance that had been associated with vampires for decades was, in 2 hrs and 1 minute, turned into a PG-13 teen romance.Never have I seen a vampire movie that's rated PG-13. And I've seen plenty. Mmmm, I think Van Helsing was a PG13 though. Ok, saved for that one. But the rest were mostly rated R.

I've been so into vampires since I saw a direct-to-video vampire film Subspecies (Bloodstone) in 1991. I was 10 years old then. It was my very first vampire movie and the also the first time that I witnessed a vampire going against its nature and falling in love with a human. I was instantly smitten. I think vampires are very passionate, intense, hypnotic. Well, they're designed that way as Edward Cullen said. And I've been drawn into their web for more than a decade now. In fact, I get out of my way to watch every fanged movie out there, even the foreign ones with sub-titles. And I would sometimes even dream that I'm a vampire, and it would feel so real. creepy. yes, it is. And I'm pretty sure its freaking my roomies out.It doesn't help that I'm a nocturnal person, and that I'm cold-blooded. Not in the I'm-an-axe-murderer-I'm- pals-with-Freddy-Kruger sort of way. It's just that my skin would sometimes feel cold to the touch (hhahaha! am hearing a resounding "Owwsss! at this point). More like clammy, you'd say. But really, I' not pulling anyone's legs off. And a normal temp for everyone is already a fever for me. In short, Im a vampirella in waiting.. or a woman waiting to be
turned into one.

And now, because of the movie, everyone's falling in line giddy with a dream of being turned by their vampire prince. sniff sniff.. so much rivals, not even a possibility of one vampire existing.

Okay, so i was just feeling jealous which is really, really lame. But I can't help it. And that's why the cyberspace really comes in handy for venting purposes, lol! There were only a few of us with that dream before, and now half the world has gotten rid of garlic in their kitchen to up their chances of being turned.. Not that I mind cos I do more than that.. Ive started prowling in the dead of night garbed in a 16th century night gown, avoiding the sun to get super-pale Vampir-esque skin, and... oh, drinking artificial blood.harhar! am not kidding.

But yes, I was kidding. That was downright ghoulish. The fact is I really, really loved the movie, the characters, everything. I loved the Cullens. And I'm grateful for Meyer for highlighting yet another trait of the vampires, that of being fiercely loyal. Not one family has made such an
impression on me since, the Addams Family.Vampires have always been creatures of the dark, enigmatic and full of Old World glamour. To live with them is to give up the light of day though, and everything we've always known about living. It'd be anything but normal. But then the Cullens came along, and that changed. Suddenly, it's not going to be such a drastic, heavy change anymore. And maybe that's why I both love and hate Meyer for writing Twilight. She has perfectly brought to life my ideal vampire. He's no longer the brooding and sexy, yet sulking creature. He laughs, he hold hands, a real sensitive, tender man... I could go on and on. On the one end though, she brought him out there for everyone to ogle at.. which sucks big time.

With thanks to flickerbitches at http://www.flickr.com/photos/30458455@N03/2854651408/ for the pic.

.. the other side of Coldplay

I'm a chronic late blogger. It's either I blog about something way before it becomes generally known , or long after the hype has died down. One example was when I posted a short but overly excited blog on the movie Cloverfield after accidentally stumbling on it's web site http://1-18-08.com/ middle of 2007. And then ending up not watching the movie at all when it finally hit the theaters because of overwhelming bad reviews. Bummer.

And so here I am blogging again on an album that has been released for 17 weeks already. The fact is, when the album, COldplay's Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends dropped on 06-17, I hurried to a music store but was disappointed to find out it's not yet available locally. After 3 years of waiting for this album, I had no choice but to have it downloaded in mp3 format. And here's the part where I should explain about this unexplicably late blog:

a. I had been so pre-occupied/stressed-out with work that I couldn't calm my mind enough to write down a coherent 100-word blog.

b. I just finally admitted to myself that I'm a certified couch potato and would engage in hours of dvd marathon while wolfing down whatever food is at hand. Now, there's something liberating about that. At last, I can indulge in my favorite past time without the barest hint of guilt.

c. It dawned on me about 2 weeks ago that all my movie marathon activity - or inactivity, for that matter - is being paid for dearly by my now non-existent waistline.So I went to a gym, signed up, and started working like crazy ( notice how when you're in front of the tv, time seems to whizz by faster than you could say "House". But in the gym, you might as well be staring at an hourglass with the sand dropping in real slow motion. And so blogging about the album was further pushed into the recesses of my now cobwebby mind.

d. But perhaps the biggest reason of all was that I felt I sincerely needed more time to listen to the songs before throwing in my two-cents worth into cyberspace. This simply isn't your typical Coldplay album. Having refrained from reading pre-launch reviews, imagine my surprise after hearing Violet Hill - devoid of piano and Chris Martin's falsetto, sounding more political than heart-wrenching. Track after track - Viva la Vida, Cemeteries of London, Strawberry Swing, Yes, Chinese Sleep Chant - I might as well be listening to an entirely different band. None of the thing that I loved about Coldplay were present in this album, which is more riff-heavy with Asian-flavored sounds and as diverse as one album can get - spin Chinese Sleep Chant, 42 and Lovers in Japan.It's almost as if the band took no chances and put out a platter of hors d'oeuvres aiming to please the global palate. Don't take me wrong though. I'm not bashing this new album, far from it. I love it! I think it's genius and brave for Coldplay to totally take a different route this time and gamble on the road less travelled. I can't imagine other bands abandoning their trademark sound and still make it out alive. I'm so happy coz it only means one thing - Coldplay is here to stay for a loooong time. So blogging about the album this late is also, in a way, intentional. Coz unlike the first three albums, this one wasn't love at first sight...er.. listen. It's more like wine, it gets better with time. Sooo looking forward to December now, reportedly they'll be releasing some tracks that didn't made the album's cut. can't hardly wait.

Disclaimer: Thanks to Userr for the great pic! http://www.flickr.com/photos/userr/1799660374/

on not being LoNelY alone...

"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely... it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone".

-- Tennessee Williams ( as seen on one of Criminal Minds episode)

MY SO-CALLED LIFE

(I know, this is such a total rip off from the TV show of the same title but what can I do, can't think of anything more original)

I've been lying in bed for like 5 hours, desperate to catch a wink but can't coz I have the worst cold ever. The kind that inhibits you to get enough oxygen to breathe and causes a splitting headache. I can't think exactly how much damage I'm causing my sinuses from blowing my nose too hard. And on times like this, lying in unwilling wakefulness,all sort of thoughts come to mind.I had a dream the other night. And in that dream, I was told I have Leukemia, which is like being sentenced to death.The funny thing is, the person who told me isn't even a doctor, just an acquaintance. For some reason, I gave her a sample of my blood and she looked at it and declared that I have too much red blood cells and too few platelets.Which doesn't make any sense at all but I believed her. I even told her that explains why I have these cuts on my knees that doesn't heal easily.So I'm dying, I'm 27 years old and I'm dying.

Next episode of my dream series. I met this guy and I married him. Can you believe it?! You don't marry guys you just met! Not unless you're in Vegas, of course. But I'm thinking, at least, in dreamland, I've got serious balls, or mental illness, depending on how you'd look at it.What surprised me though was that I had the nicest feeling. I actually liked this unknown guy and it was such a nice feeling being married to him. Weird. Considering how I hated the fact that people around me are jumping into the Marital Bliss? bandwagon like there's no tomorrow.

Speaking of there being no tomorrow, what bothered me most about the dreams was the one where I was dying. I'm not ready to die, yet. Nobody is. There's too much things left undone, too many words unsaid. But the truth is, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and that's that, the end of this so called life. So the most logical thing to do is to live life like there's no tomorrow. Yeah, try doing this and you'd look like you're on a daily dose of ecstacy. Ohh, not nice. Ok, so it's definitely easier said than done. But what's a girl to do? I've always said it's so much better to know you're dying than having you're life taken like the candle light on a heavy gust of wind.But since we're not privy to God's plan,I try and keep a few things in mind, such as:

1. To each his own. I always try to remember that God has a different plan for each of us. So if a friend or a neighbor gets lucky in life, I try to avoid the initial feeling most of us would get, that of feeling envious. Telling myself "That is his/her life. You have your own" usually works.

2. Mind your own business. Resist engaging in rumour mongering. I know this is tough since it seems to be a favorite past time for a lot of people and refusing to at least listen could easily make you an outcast.What works for me? I try and treat gossips like water through a sieve, it goes in and it goes right out. I don't let it affect my perception of the subject's character. If they say someone's bad news, well, I just have to see for myself.

3. I force myself to show emotion. That is, telling people how I feel about them, especially my family. It has always been awkward for me to say the three words to my parents, or sisters for that matter. And I can remember the number of times I've told my Mom that I love her: one. And thru sms at that. And she initiated it so it would be so wrong to not reciprocate. I'm still far from being vocal about my feelings.

4. Learn how to touch-and-go.I do believe that at the instant I set foot in the working world, life had been one of touch-and-go. If I really think about it, it started when I left town to attend college in another city. But I had been emotionally attached to a lot of people during that stage that I could never think of them as mere extras in my life story. Beyond that though, I try not to be too attached with the people I meet along the way, especially since most of them are transients. You learn from them, you have fun with them, and then you go your own way.Cos if you allow yourself to be too involved, you will have a problem moving on.

Disclaimer: huge thanks to Sola Lumina Captura for her pic above. Great shot! I've always had a thing for highways, dirtpaths, the roads less travelled.. someday I'm gonna put together a portfolio on ROADS. Sola's site and her great pics are on this site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/solaluminacaptura/54667385/