And so it was that as I stand looking at his retreating back, I was hit by the most intense sadness, realizing that it would be the last time Id ever see him again. I stood frozen in time. I was willing my legs to move but a part of me refuses for it would mean moving forward in time as well. I cannot and do not consider living the life that lies ahead of me, a life devoid of his love, of happiness. My happiness was him. And now I am just a shell of my previous self. If breathing and moving and eating make one alive, then I am alive. Being alive though is far from living a life. And as I took a step backward, I moved back in time, to the only life I could ever live.
It was the summer of '01, a summer Id expected to be no different than past summers: humid, boring, painfully predictable. I am one of those people who actually enjoys being in school and while summer provides a much needed respite from school work and pressures, I regard it as nothing but a temporary lull in the turbulent but happy chaos that is college life. Little did I know that this summer is going to be the summer of my life.
I pushed the glass door and made my way through the aisle of video tapes. I was going to return some movies I’ve rented and going to get new ones. I’ve been watching some old movies lately, trying to get acquainted with the last few decades film produce. As I was thumbing through titles, moving slowly across the aisle, I get that blank, self-absorbed look on my face. My friends always tell me they could never tell what goes on in my mind when I look that way. It’s actually my "do-not-attempt-to-get-friendly-with-me-if-i-dont-know-you look". Then I heard a voice near me say,
"Any good movie they have here?”
I went on browsing silently and felt a soft nudge in my elbow. I didn’t realize the stranger was talking to me. I then looked around and felt foolish, we're the only customer inside the shop. The feeling was immediately replaced by a mild irritation and surprise though. He seemed unaffected by the mask I’m wearing, and he was actually looking like he expected an answer from me. This had never happened and I was in a bit of a muddle.
"I’m sorry to intrude but my mother asked me to rent some movies for her but she gave no specific titles. I don’t know what she'd like".
" Oh ok, and I strike you as someone who watches her kind of movies.."
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted it. It sounded defensive, and really lame.
" I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.. here.. maybe she'd like this. that is, if she hadn’t seen this already."
" A Room With A View?"
"It’s a classic love story, perhaps she'd enjoy that."
"Oh ok, thanks. She's actually home sick so I’m doing these things for her".
"Sorry to hear that.Btw, try and look for the Last Of The Mohicans. I know they’ve got it here somewhere. She might like that too. Tell her to skip some gory scenes though.. "
"Will do that. Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.."
"No problem. Hope she gets well soon".
"Thanks. Oh btw, I’m Michael. I’m new here.."
"yeah, I thought as well. I’m Lucy. Well, see you around.."
and started to walk out the door..
"Wait, aren’t you going to rent some movies yourself?"
"No, I was actually just returning some.. bye.."
And I walked out into to bright afternoon sunshine...And I thought that was the last Id see of him. I wasn’t even sure that If Id bump into him in the mall or somewhere, that Id have the gall to say hi. Perhaps, he might not even remember me at all. During the brief encounter in the movie shop, Id avoided looking at him directly. It isn’t just that I’m terribly shy, but I hadn’t missed the fact that he's kind of cute and lanky. And those kind of guys I always thought to demand or expect some attention. So when those guys are around me, it amuses me that when you don’t give them what they expect, they end up the ones noticing you. sneaky. sneaky..
So it came as a surprise when coming home late afternoon, my mother told me that I got a call from someone..
"Who?"
" He said Michael from-the-video-shop. Said he'd just call back.."
I was secretly pleased by the fact that he's not presumptuous enough to leave his phone number and expect me to call him back. I took it as a good sign. And though I tried not to hang around by the phone the remainder of the afternoon, I made sure that I’m within earshot of it. And soon enough, the phone rang.
"I'll get it Mom!"
I fought the urge to pick up before the first ring ended, though it makes me nervous thinking that the caller would hang up. It surprised me to realize that I'd been hoping it'd be him, and it was.
"Hi, is Lucy there?"
"it's me, who's this pls?"
" Oh hi Lucy! Its Michael, you know, the guy you met in the movie shop?"
"Yeah, I remember you, what's up?"
"Look, I’m sorry to be calling you all of a sudden. I hope you forgive me, but I took the liberty to get your phone number from the sales clerk. It was really nice meeting you and it was sort of, you know, very brief.."
"yeah, well, guess its ok. So, how's your mom?"And that had been the first of many tele-thons. We ended up talking for hours. Funny, first calls are supposed to be awkward and short but ours felt like we've known each other forever. Apparently we liked the same things, sort of introvert but can be really social at times, and we both feel like we're old souls born in the wrong century. We would literally burn the phone each night, not stopping until the phone becomes so warm I had to pad it with a hankie. It took us 2 weeks before agreeing to see each other again though, and it felt even better. When I’m with him, my senses seem to be fully acute. I notice how he squints his eyes when he tries to remember something, notice that he has pianist's fingers, although when I asked him he said he never really learned to play any instrument but enjoys listening to very diverse music. Incidentally, we both like Coldplay.And it amuses him how Id know stuff about Hollywood celebrities lives. He's not into them, but lets me prattle on and on about them. He said, he doesn’t really care about them, but he cares about me, so it doesn’t matter what Id be talking about, he'd listen encouragingly. Gosh! this is when I realize I’m falling in love. I’ve always wondered how you would know if you're in love, are there specific symptoms? signs? I've had boyfriends in the past, and I liked them too, but not this way. With him, I just know. We've never said the three words yet though, and I long to tell him that.
So to say the least, that had been the summer of all summers. We would hit the beach almost everyday. The sky is always a color of vivid blue quite unlike what I’ve seen before. You can almost taste the salt in the air and the temperature's hot but not humid. The birds would always seem to fly in synchronized formations, the sound of waves almost hypnotic as they crash in the shore. Perfect. But of course, I was seeing things through my love struck eyes. Back then, nothing else matters more than the sensation of my fingers entwined with his, the look in his eyes that would automatically soften as he looks into mine, and how he can almost tell what I’m thinking, even if im saying things otherwise. Damn, I never thought I'd ever believe in soul mates, but if I have one, then Id found him.It was too perfect to be true, and indeed it was.
Midway into May when our regular rendezvous stopped being, well, regular. He would excuse himself sometimes, and our daily trek to the beach became thrice, twice weekly. He would always say his mother needs him. In all our times together, things are so perfect that I never get around to asking what exactly ails his mother. Sickness spoils happiness. And I was starting to feel rejected and hurt. I have a feeling he was just using his mother's sickness as an excuse not to be around me anymore. I decided Id go and confront him about it. Id tell him that If he'd found another girl, then dumping me would be less hurting that waiting for someone that will never come around. I thought confronting him would be the right thing to do. Was I wrong. I wish Id just waited for him to break it up to me. As I slowly made my way to his house, I can feel my eyes hurting and start to water with the thought that I’m about to lose the only person who had ever made me feel vulnerable but protected. But I fought the tears from falling, I am not about to make myself look like a fool in front of a boy, not even him. When I knocked on the door, it was opened by a tall, fiftyish guy who vaguely resembles Michael. He was surprised when I told him I’m there to see Michael and said
" Oh, you must be Lucy. He wouldn’t want your being here."
I felt like Id been slapped. And as my face reddened, the guy quickly recovered and said
" Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t mean it that way."
As we were traversing our way through this awkward situation, a woman about the guy's age came in. They turned out to be Michael's parents and the mom looked anything but sick. They sat me down and went on to tell me about Michael's lies. His mother had never been sick, it was Michael who is. He has colon cancer. The doctors in the US had given up on him and the family decided for him to have his last days here. During their first weeks here, Michael had kept with himself and goes out only to rent movies, which was how he would pass the time at home. But when he met me, things changed. They said he became more enthusiastic about things, radiated energy, and almost seemed like he wanted to live life to the fullest. They warned him about getting closer to me, said he would hurt us both but decided to go on with it anyway. By this time, I had already broken down in tears. They waited for me to calm down and led me to his bedroom. The expression on Michael's face when he saw me was a mixture of happiness, relief and regret. And then I ran to him and hug him tight.
" Silly! And you thought you can break free of me just like that? No Mister, you will never be free of me."
And we laughed and hugged and cried. I stayed with him everyday of that summer, until he went away. And then everything changed. The wind became colder, the waves crash deafening, the sky a gloomy blue and the birds flew in haphazard ways. Ahhh... but things will never be the same again. And there is not a night when I don’t dream of him walking away from me.. from this life. But I'll go through life assured of one thing.. We'll be seeing each other in another lifetime.
