Okay, after watching a full 2 seasons of CSI: New York and a decade long of reading/watching anything and everything on serial killers, and doing a school paper on it, I decided to write a short manual on how to commit murder, and get away with it.
1. Wear gloves. Never leave a print behind. Minor cases like misdemeanor or DUI over the years puts you in the system.
2. Never leave your weapon behind, and these includes not throwing them in sewers, trash bins, garbage chutes or in a corner alley. You won't believe how thorough CSI's can get.
3. If you used a gun, pick up your bullets and bring them along with you. Better yet, don't use a gun. Ballistics can be traced to you and blood spatter interpretation can tell a whole lot of story.
4. Do not spit, do not sweat. DNA, anyone? Might as well have turn yourself in if you leave some behind. Avoid drama by drinking something or raiding the vic's (Victim's ) refrigerator. Obviously, do not kiss the vic, or do anything beyond it either.
5. Wear a hairnet, or if you can, shave your head. Vanity can be a liability in successful perpetration.
6. Ensure there are no camera's around. Smash the camera, secure the tape. Make sure to check if the camera's connected to a PC somewhere (usually within the same building) and remove the disk.
7. If you plan of wining and dining your Vic first, make reservations in a pretty commonplace restaurant. Better if you opt for a fastfood chain. Not only is it crowded (narrows the chance of you two being identified), but it'll leave no clue to the Medical Examiner as to where the Vic ate prior to his/her ending up dead.( Some restaurants serve dishes that are only exclusive to their menu).
8. On your rush to get away, strive to be within city limits. Overspeeding can cause highway cameras to automatically take a shot of you.
9. Do away with motive. The most successful crimes are those that are done to random people, strangers. Remember the movie A Perfect Murder? This is difficult however if the crime is personal.
10. Establish an alibi. This is more difficult to do, unless you're Superman or has the ability to duplicate yourself and be somewhere else and at the crime scene at the EXACT same time.Make sure someone sees you and will vouch for your presence during so and so time when the investigation begins.
11. If blood stained your clothes, do not attempt to wash it off then not dispose of it properly. You may pour a whole bottle of disinfectant or detergent on it, and blood would still be detectable. What to do? Sail into the ocean and dispose of the clothes. Now, that's what you call proper disposal.
12. If you need to dispose of anything at the crime scene, drugs, a note or pills, the toilet is NOT an option.Drugs and pills will merely dilute the water but the chemical components would still be detectable. And you'll be surprised at the various processes CSI's can use to make the unreadable legible again. If you need to dispose of anything, see #s 2 and 11. Better yet, DO NOT dispose of anything at the crime scene.
There's still a whole lot more to the art of flawless crime making but I'll stop at # 12 at the risk of being boring, after all boredom kills.
Warning: The truth is, NO ONE gets away with murder. Thanks for letting me humor you. =)
With thanks to The Black Widow for the CSI:NY photo.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/11356431@N02/1104040704/
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