*sigh* it's become a pattern now. How i spend my days off. Since working the GY shift for some odd years now, I've come to accept the fact that my social life is dead. Not that I mind but when you're awake during the wee hours of the morning, you tend to think of things that wouldn't otherwise occur to you during the day, when the world is awake and in its usual state of mild chaos.
Like right now.It occured to me that I've been sort of worrying over the fact that people may think I'm being rude when the fact is I'm just being shy.The thing with me is, I don't warm up easily to people. But when I do, I can be the most garrulous and fun person ever. My previous team mates can attest to that. And I am missing them so dearly now. It's always like this. I join a new team, am just being my introvert self, then i get to know them and them, me, and voila! super fun environment. Then, I get transferred to another account, I return to my old "fly in the wall" self, just minding my own business and letting the new people form their perceptions of me, and then, after some time, break those perceptions and bond with them well. And then Life happens. And even though it always is hard to leave your comfort zone and the people you love behind, your friends, you just have to do it.and so I am in that awkward stage again.
Sometimes, I wish I don't have a shy bone in my body. Cos it's a bit painful when I think some people may think I'm being rude if say, I come across them on the stairs and not greet them. Or say, i enter a room and fail to greet everyone. Or if I don't speak up. When the truth is, I am just so shy to do it. I hate speaking in public and try to avoid it if I can. I know it's hard to understand. i don't understand it myself and couldn't tell exactly when and at what point in my life this happened.
I used to work in the fastfood industry and..get this..worked as a marketing manager. So that entails a lot of Public Relations right? Yes. And the job description also calls for a lot of event organizing, and for 3 years, I'm living through my big black organizer. And then it just became too much. And still, the shyness never went away, like a curse.
*sigh again*. The big 3-0 is happening next year, and I'm planning to do something life changing, veer off this life's course and steer away into another direction. Hopefully, this 'shyness' won't hinder that. So help me God.
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